The trials and tribulations of mademoiselle HH

20 things to do before turning 21

2008-11-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

yes I was busy , yes I didn't blog I'm desperately sorry ( dunno why yet again) blah blah blah I'm so tedious aren't I? ( and no that's not a cheap ploy to make you I'm not , honest :) )
anyhow I'm turning 20 today (eeeek) which is both exciting and freaky and in celebration of how odd I'm feeling at the moment I wrote this rather umm unlikely list of things I plan to do before turning 21!

1-Get Joseph Fiennes and /or Romain Duris pregnant

2-Become professional burlesque dancer

3-Acquire chocolate factory

4-Acquire purple suit , mini top-hat with a tulle veil and singing koalas to work in chocolate factory (Oompa Loompas are so passé ) ooooh and Christian Laboutin boots

5-Have a statue of myself erected in a public square

6-Have statute pulled down a la saddam Hussein while hordes of koalas scream hooray
7-Become shaabi singer and sing a duet with Sha3bola

8-Invent fat free chocolate and win Nobel prize for it

9-Acquire pirate outfit ,a foul mouthed parrot and an evil pirate gang and storm kasr el Gomhouria

10-Acquire herd of goats , lederhosen and white haired grandpappy and immigrate to the Swiss Alps and live the Heidi life (this is if all my other plans fail)

11-Rule the universe for a day ( any more than that and I’d muck things up irreversibly)

12-Become virtuoso violinist (ha-ha possibly the most impossible one)

13-Write an Opera entitled “fein el akl ya welya” starring the fatafeat ant dude

14-Buy a haunted palace (I’d love to own the Winchester house)

15-Buy my father a Harley Davidson (I’m actually serious about this one)

16-Find the reincarnation of Marlon Brando and marry him ( this is assuming he didn’t come back as a man- eating Lion or an Oak tree )

17-Be declared poet laureate of an obscure country

18-Become glamorous socialite and have Candace Bushnell write a fictionalized account of my exploits which will later be turned into a series which will star Rachel Weisz

19-Become a vegan cobbler

20-Purchase obscene amount of shoes and become renown for it kinda like Imelda Marcos

dad-ism no 1

2008-09-03T01:31:00.000-07:00

my father is an eminently quotable man, it could do with the fact he is a sort of hemingwayesque sort of fellow who is both an excellent shot ,hunter and hardcore drinker ( my father can legitimately tell stories about the time he hunted with masai tribesmen etc etc) and yet has a soft tender side , also he is a complete loon who will often suddenly start quoting Conan the barabarian or the begining part of flash gordon ( he espeacially likes the bit where emperor ming the merciless says " I like to play with things a while before annihilation” mwahahahah) (more about this later)
I think the world could benefit from the pearls of wisdom which my father very often chooses to bestow upon me (or exasperate me with) par example yesterday after fitar ,my dad always has the darkest most pungent expresso conceivable. Anyway he proffers it to me to smell then laughs and says "now thats what a real man smells like!" , "if you were ever to marry my dear ,make sure your husband smells of expresso ,cigars and whisky because only then will you know that he has a proper appreaciation for the good things in life" er right dad
Anyway expect more dad-isms tres soon!

pretty oh so pretty

2008-08-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

if ever a nation took their horticulture seriously 'twas the dutch
look what some awfully clever dutch businessman came up with

and not just roses either but like a zillion other types of flower
check their site out. I have a sneaking suspicion that the rainbow effect is achieved through dye somehow , perhaps through splitting the stems possibly? anyhows I think they are most lovely

don't ever .....

2008-08-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

attempt to dance on a treadmill a'la ok Go in order to annoy your younger sister , you'll only fall on the treadmill and skin your knees - and that my friends is freaking painful

Au clair de Lune (shuffle tag)

2008-08-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

Tagged by lovely Sou (tagged meself out of boredom)
Here are the rules:
1. Put your iTunes/music player on “Shuffle”.
2. For each question, press the “Next” button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT! After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.

1.IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? Gypsy by Suzanne Vega (hmm)

2.WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Venus in furs by the velvet underground (WHAT!!! crazy Ipod)(I do like strappy boots though!)
3.WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? bats mouth by bat for lashes (so I like looniness , well true)
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? thank god I'm pretty by Emilie Autumn (hahaha thats ridiculous)

5.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? predictions by suzanne vega (another hmm)
6.WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? the chamber by the last shadow puppets (yikes!)
7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? the songs that we sing by Charlotte gainsbourg(kind of true)
8.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Marlene on the wall by Suzanne Vega
9.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? l'excessive by Carla Bruni (quelle surprise !)
10.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? so long Marianne by JJ Cale

11.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Rose Red by Emilie Autumn (my sister would agree !)

12.WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Jesus the mexican boy by Iron and wine (a little off the mark)
13.WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Horrorshow by Bat for Lashes (God my Ipod is possessed!)

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Beauty mark by Charlotte Gainsbourg (awww )
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Everything I cannot see by Charlotte Gainsbourg (wow!)
16.WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? night time intermission by Charlotte Gainsbourg (not too far off )

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?In my room by the last shadow puppets

18.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? I dont like you anymore by the last shadow puppets (what is up dudes ???)
19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS? au clair de lune by Debussy

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF? lemon incest by Serge Gainsbourg

I tag Mofa, Forsooth, That Guy, Zawaya el maraya and maxxed out

explanation of the last days of the bluechina acolyte

2008-08-25T05:43:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be interesting to explain my poem to you Since this poem is so to speak a collage of historical incidents I thought I'd give a little background info to clarify things for you. (khalas ba2a the label of nerd/weirdo has becomed permanently affixed to my head )! enjoy !

1-blue china acolyte : in his earliest days at college wilde is reported to have said "I find it harder and harder every day to live up to my blue china." hence blue china acolyte

2- "The heart was meant to be broken" if memory serves this came from 'an ideal husband" not very sure though

3-“cupping his Egyptian cigarette” once upon a time ,in the 19th century Egypt produced the world’s finest cigarettes and Wilde being the refined man he was delighted in them . He once said of cigarettes “A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?” also check out this extraordinary short story by Kate Chopin

4- “a mad boy with a rose petal mouth”: here of course I’m referring to Lord Alfred Douglas “Bosie” the cause of Wilde’s down fall ,one of the letters used in the trial against Wilde was written to Bosie and ran thus “Your sonnet is quite lovely, and it is a marvel that those red rose-leaf lips of yours should have been made no less for music of song than for the madness of kisses. Your slim gilt soul walks between passion and poetry. I know Hyacinthus, whom Apollo loved so madly, was you in Greek days”

5-“A sighing love”- this is from Lord Alfred Douglas’s infamous poem “two loves”

6- “childrens kisses” Wilde had two sons , Vivian and Cyril whom he adored And who inspired his exquisite children’s stories which were collected in “a house of pomegranates” the worst thing Wilde experienced was loss of the right to see his children after his release from Reading Gaol

7- Amber scented champagne – I took this from "De Profundis” the 90 page letter he wrote to lord Alfred whilst in prison

8-'Who never ate his bread in sorrow, Who never spent the midnight hours Weeping and waiting for the morrow, - He knows you not, ye heavenly powers.' This was written by Goethe and often quoted to Oscar by his mother Lady Jane Wilde

9- “The wanderer he became” after his release from prison Wilde spent the last three years of his life in L’hotel d’alsace in Paris. He went under the assumed name of Sebastian Melmoth, after the famously Saint Sebastian and the devilish central character of Wilde's great-uncle Charles Robert Maturin's gothic novel Melmoth the Wanderer.

10- “duelling with wallpaper
he or it had to go!” Just a month before his death Wilde is quoted as saying, "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go."

11-“a purple clad priest at his side” On his deathbed Wilde became a Catholic

12-“he had been killed
by the thing he loved
By each let this be heard
neither by sword nor kiss
but with a careless word”
This is an adaptation of Wildes famous poem ‘The Ballad of Reading Gaol”

The last days of the Blue china Acolyte

2008-08-25T05:35:00.000-07:00

if you haven't noticed yet , I kinda have a thing for Oscar Wilde and since my Muse decided to get off her fat derriere recently and do some frolicking I found myself inspired to write this. I hope you don't find yourself puking excesively :) and yeah I do realise he actually died 108 years ago smart bums
Enjoy! (or not depending on your proclivities)

i

"the heart was made to be broken"
a clever man once said
cupping his Egyptian cigarette
as his own heart quietly bled
for a mad boy
with a rose petal mouth
who would watch
as for a sighing love
a dreamer was destroyed
deprived of
all that made him
applause
childrens kisses
amber scented champagne
forsaken by Apollo
he fashioned Gods
of sorrow and of Pain
as he wept and moaned
over his chains
for the flaneur
who would never rise again

ii
"'Who never ate his bread in sorrow,
Who never spent the midnight hours
Weeping and waiting for the morrow,
He knows you not, ye heavenly powers.'
so she often told him
the bravest of mothers
so at last
he took off the mask
from heaven mercy asked
and sang his last refrain
and so for him a new life began
and a new understanding of man

iii
the wanderer he became
to escape his filthied fame
but it haunted him
that and newer pains
but still he laughed
still he smiled
whiled away the time
with brandy, boys
and sacre coeurs chimes

iv
The end it came most slow
duelling with wallpaper
he or it had to go !
it was him alas
and well did he
this know
so he bid the world goodbye
a purple clad priest at his side
pressed his hand
and closed his eyes
at news of his death
the world both smiled
and cried

v
he had been killed
by the thing he loved
By each let this be heard
neither by sword nor kiss
but with a careless word
bid goodnight
the sweet prince
100 years in earth interred
he wrote the loveliest words
the loveliest I ever saw
the wisest I ever heard
for this I honour him
and shall never suffer that his name
by fools and prudes
ever be slurred

Genpets are a hoax !

2008-08-24T02:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it ..... check this out !

Beware the wolvog

2008-08-24T01:30:00.000-07:00

I love Dystopian novels and one of the best I've ever read is Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake which discusses the dangers of genetic engineering espeacially when it comes to genitically modifying animals. The book featured strange hybrids like wolvogs" (hybrids between wolves and dogs), "rakunks" (raccoon and skunk), and "pigoons" (pig and baboon) and the even odder spoat (a goat and spider hybrid) The book is sold under the label of Science fiction Atwood prefers to label this work as "speculative fiction" it turns out she was justified as evinced by these creepy looking Genpets , I'd love to know what you all think about this , do you think that science can go too far? or is anything justified in the name of bettering the human lot ? would you ever consider buying a genpet?
we live in strange times indeed

my constant prayer

2008-08-23T03:08:00.000-07:00

ah! seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - de contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

ah! lord! give me the force and courage - to contemplate my heart and my body without disgust!

Charles Baudelaire -les fleurs de mal

suprising and distressing things

2008-08-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Sei Shonagen's entry
Surprising and Distressing Things

1-While one is cleaning a decorative comb, something catches in the teeth and the comb breaks.

2-A carriage overturns. One would have imagined that such a solid, bulky object would remain forever on its wheels. It all seems like a dream - astonishing and senseless.

3-A child or a grownup blurts out something that is bound to make people uncomfortable.

4-All night long one has been waiting for a man who one thought was sure to arrive. At dawn, just when one has forgotten about him for a minute and dozed off, a crow caws loudly. One wakes with a start and sees that it is daytime - most astonishing.

5-One of the bowmen in an archery contests stands trembling for a long time before shooting: when finally he does release his arrow, it goes in the wrong direction.

Hebe's suprising and distressing things
1- when you realise that you are towering over your own mother and you could very easily pick her up . she is no longer that benevolent and at times terrifying giantess you always tried to please but a very human creature

2- when you open your handbag and discover that you've forgotten your mobile phone or purse , you always feel strangely naked.

3-when hail descends or a sandstorm occurs in a city , you realise regardless of all this concrete and metal you are still at the mercy of nature

4- when you attempt to look cool and end up tripping /dropping something and generally make an idiot of yourself

5- when you oversleep and wake up and realise that you're desperately horribly late for school/work or appointment

Elegant things

2008-08-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

Sei Shonagon's entry

Elegant things
1-A white coat worn over a violet waistcoat.
2-Duck Eggs.
3-Shaved Ice mixed with liana syrup and put in a new silver bowl.
4- A rosary of rock crystal.
5-Snow on wistaria or plum blossoms.
6-A pretty child eating strawberries.

Hebe's elegant things

1-silver cufflinks
2-an unusual Chignon
3-Cameo brooches
4- A pavlova meringue topped with fresh strawberries
5-Groppi's marron glace served on blue china
6- A handsome man in a well cut suit

Sei Shonagon post No#1

2008-08-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

one of my obsessions (and there are a great many)is Japanese culture ,this obsession originated with my father who would tell me stories as a child about Samurai espeacially the legendary Miyamoto Musashi up till now one of my favorite books is Eiji Yoshikwa's fictionalization of Musashi's life
at any rate I soon started reading more about Japan and it's culture and still do , one of my most recent reads was Sei Shonagon's pillow book . which was basically a random collection of things she found interesting, gossip , poetry and lists. It struck me with the freshness and vitality of it's style . it seemed to me that had she lived in the present day it's very likely she would have had a blog.So in honour of her I'm going to start a string of posts based on her pillow book entries, just for fun

the school of life (literally)

2008-08-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

last year I read Alain de Bottons 'Essays on love" which was the most refreshing take on Love and philosophy , It's a dissection of a relationship both from a personal perspective and through deeply analytical philosophical reflections.it's one of my very favorite books so I was rather charmed to learn of the school of life which
which he helped found. I think it's a fascinating venture espeacially the idea of the dinner parties they plan to have amongst strangers ,I mean how cool is that , I am so thoroughly sick of inane conversations , and imagine that no akward silences no dullness . I half wish I could draw up a conversation menu like that when I go dine with my relatives.
I'd prohibit talk/gossip about other distant relatives of whose exsistence I was never aware of , insincere fawning , covert matchmaking, backbiting and any kind of talk regarding Egyptian celebrities this might result in complete silence but my god would't that be the most perfect kind of bliss ?

help needed

2008-08-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

why on earth is the content thingymabobby at the bottom of the page , it refuses to budge , my god I am the most technologically inept adolescent on the face of the planet . Anyhows if anyone has any idea why my content bar or whatever its called is at the bottom of the page HELP !

random thought

2008-08-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

Living in Egypt is like living with most beautiful slob in the world , sometimes she enthralls you with her lovely smile and charming ways and at other times she infuriates you with her sloveliness and disgusting habits. its a difficult and often stormy relationship but those rare moments of loveliness makes it all seem worthwhile

a fool reflects

2008-08-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on the back of my shariaa law notes to make me feel less bad about being a complete dumbass ! not my best but I hope all my fellow toe stubbers , tumblers and general clots enjoy it !

endless are the reams of paper
I could fill with graceful curlicue
about the humilations I have suffered
and put myself through
oh numberless the situations
by others terribly misconstrued
my life has been a series
of embrassments and foolishness
from which I emerged
an interesting shade of cerise
ah well I've survived and had many a laugh
at my thwarted loves and sad social gaffes
I've often thought (and this gives me much peace)
much in life is finite
people rarely please
too often sucess is under a lease
but you can be always be sure
that the adventures of a fool
never cease !

morning misanthropy

2008-08-04T00:39:00.000-07:00

God I'm in such a foul mood this morning , humanity at large is pissing me off big time and I just need to rant ,rave and froth at the mouth a bit (N.B my complaints are not in any way novel , also great deal of swearing )
I'm so sick of my mother feeling terrified everytime I go down to catch a cab IN A FUCKING T-SHIRT , she's scared that some idiot will give me shit or I'll have the misfortune of riding with some insanely sexually repressed driver or something along those lines. So every morning for the last few days I've had to change into a long sleeved top to set her heart at ease and I'm sick of having my exsitence dictated by fear and others stupidities in this manner and if I hear one more story from my friends about being groped on a bus or hassled in any way I'm going to go beserker.KEFAYA BA2A ERHAMONA !!!!!! also I'm tired of cars slowing down when I stand alone on a pavement and stupid looking buggers peering at me hopefully , no I am not a hooker so kindly piss off elsewhere you chumps . grrrr
I'm sick of the victories of the corrupt and the greedy , I still can't believe the Al-Salam 98 ferry case verdict it's a horrible twisted joke of a verdict and no langauge has enough invectives for Mamdouh Ismail .
come to think of it today I feel like the number of people I loathe is almost countless .
today I hate (in no particular order)
1- rude waiters /Shop assistants in general
2- shitty friends who never bother to call
3- the greedy monady by el Ahly club
4- every single autocratic statesman in the world
5- people who pick their noses in traffic (we can see you , you twats)
6- the entire staff of the Rock cafe in Nasr city (NEVER EVER GO THERE)
7- smart asses who give me driving advice whilst going the wrong direction in a one way street
8- every single man I have ever known who has patted my shoulder , smirked and said "lets just be friends"
9-CEO'S of companies selling beauty products , fashion designers , Hugh Hefner and Fashion Magazine editors
10- Every single human being who has ever purposefully tried to make me feel like shit

At the moment I feel like going on a shin/testicle kicking spree

I'm tired of being nice , kind and empathising with people , so few deserve it really

I could go on , but I think I've vented a few decades worth of bile and annoyance

if you've read this , thank you for enduring my pissiness

actual conversation

2008-05-04T03:37:00.000-07:00

(scene , my sister R and I have just returned from supermarket , we start studying )

R: E7na gebna eh men el supermarket ?
H: what an odd question Eh ya binty do you have a two second memory ?
R: I forgot

God I love living with my sister , its delightfully weird

amusing thought

2008-05-04T03:29:00.001-07:00

if I were to weigh the amount of things I have to study, I'd say (roughly) that I have to study around two kilos of legalties . Imagine that, bearing two kilos worth of knowledge in my wee little head , its certainly a mercy that knowledge has no physical weight . we'd all be walking around with heads the size of the Easter Island statues .

yes I have gone daft from lack of sleep

insomnia- random blatherings

2008-04-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

And so it begins , my annual transformation into an innvoluntary nocturnal creature
I dont know why but every spring my body turns traitor and decides that sleep is for wimpy , cowed anatomies that are subject to the tyrannical whims of their owners . not my body , not my cells , not my bastard nervous system .No ,no they just happen to be bloody minded communists baying for my sanity ! I can just visualize my subversive cells meeting up in undisclosed , discreet locations (my apendix one supposes or a kidney) one them with a nice bushy karl marxian beard screaming "enough comrades ! we will stop working for this wretched tyrant Hebe , each doing the task he is alloted , cowed by the demoniac thought police . those barbarious neurons and for what? a bit of glucose ? a little water that we so sorely need to stay alive ! we must rebel ! rebel arrrrrgh.
and so they start employing devious guerilla tactics LIKE KEEPING ME AWAKE ALL BLOODY NIGHT ! well little bolshie cells you got your sodding way , I abdicate ! can I pleeasse go to bed now ?

yes I realize what I just wrote is

a)slightly unintelligible
b)completely mad
c) really not that funny

but nothing else is really helping , not litres of hot chamomile tea , not listening to harp music accompanied by sounds of babbling brooks ,not even reading James Joyce's ulyssess , the most dull and befuddling book ever written in the history of mankind
it still amazes me that that book was banned for a while for obscenity (apparently theres a scene where a character masturbates) I have come to believe this is something of literary myth , where the hell is that scene ?what obscenity? who actually has the mental strength to make it beyond the first few chapters . i honestly think that its deemed a modern classic solely because no-one wants to admit that either these were the ramblings of literary genius gone completly off his rocker and were in short complete crap , or that its actually an erudite exploration of the human psyche by a hyperintelligent man , and to confess that its completely incomprehnsible to mere mortals is basically a confession of criminal stupidity. well either way the only use i can see for it is an a cure for my horrific insomnia or to straighten a wonky table

well am still wide awake but for fear of driving you poor sods to my level of insantity i will go skip around a bit whilst reading ulyssess and hopefully will fall comatose to the floor out of a combination of exhaustion and mind numbing boredom
ah well since I won't be sleeping much at least I'll finally have time to do some blogging !

sweet dreams
and good morning !

snippet 1

2008-01-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

dreaming of sunlight
gasping for rain
caught in one season
one longs for the other again

about the whole constinency thing

2007-12-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

the intention remains but i am horrendously , horrifically and disgustingly busy studying for "gasp" 7 subjects this term ! (wish me luck) so blogging will resume as soon as is humanly possible .... and a very happy eid and merry christmas to all

on the occassion of my 19th birthday

2007-11-18T05:14:00.000-08:00

On this day of 18 november 2007, I mademoiselle HH also known as hebe , being of relatively sound mind(excepting several occassions of insanity and inerbriation which will be blogged about at yawn inducing length) hereby swear to henceforth cease being a lazy plop of a human being and start blogging with a little more consistency , this I do solemnly swear. cross my heart, scouts honor , honest injun etc etc

witnessed by a random fly I've decided to call nebuchadnezzar and my sleeping grandmother wh0 half the time doesn't know what I'm gibbering on about

they have not signed for somewhat obvious reasons

HH

18-11-2007

incidentally I have no idea how to pronounce nebuchadnezzar which does not please my witness one whit

3amar ya masr

2007-10-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

during this week i have seen
1- a long bearded mullah type in gallabeya riding a harley davidson
2- a taxi sporting a single ostrich plume in its baggage holder - a la cyrano de bergerac
3- a fellow on scooter with one shib-shibed foot apparently holding down the boot of a white ford fiesta , he looked very curiously like a dog peeing against a tree
4- in the middle of gameat el dowal street a donkey half keeled over , peeing while the fellow riding the caretta blithely examines his nails
5-el amn el markazy (the egyptian version of S.W.A.T) surrounding cairo university despite the lack of a demonstration

life is so sweetly surreal